Trust broken

The disintegration of relationships - marital, social, political, professional and familial - is often rooted in trust or, more specifically, in its breach.

If I can’t believe what you say - be it a promise, an explanation or even a compliment - the seeds of distrust fester and our relationship crumbles.

The fear of emotional exposure and pain of our trust being betrayed causes us to build fortifying walls of emotional distance around ourselves. This protects us from pain, but also insulates us from potential love.

If we cannot trust, we cannot love.

The price of trust is vulnerability. The reward of trust is intimate relationships.

Fit to be led

We often lament the dearth of courageous leaders who take responsibility for their errors, yet we as a community punish those who admit their faults.

In principle we want accountable leaders; in practice we can only tolerate infallible role models.

If the paradigm our leaders are working within demands their infallibility, then responsibility becomes suicidal rather than admirable.

Perhaps what society is missing is not capable leaders, but rather mature followers who are ready to be led.

Social Snubbing

Why would deliberately ignoring someone or even pretending not to see them ever be a logical behaviour? What does it achieve and what is the logic?

It can only be fear; only anxious people avoid contact. Of course it doesn’t always feel like fear- it feels like anger, it feels like apathy- but make no mistake snubs are always anxiety driven.

What are people so scared of...?

The Facebook epidemic of Anniversary Announcements

Abraham Lincoln once remarked “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

Often we insist on asserting ourselves in areas where we are still uncertain, this being an attempt to disguise our doubt. The irony is that it is our lack of confidence that is inevitably exposed.

If I have to tell people how important I am it is a sign that I feel insignificant. If I need to tell the world how much I love someone, it is a sign of self-doubt.

Confidence doesn't need to be boasted, it is embodied. Self-assurance doesn't require a salesman, it sells itself. Love is something best held in confidence, publicizing it cheapens it.

“The emptiest vessel makes the loudest sound”- Shakespeare.

Blind spots

Blind spots are points outside our field of vision which, if not taken seriously, can lead to a motor accident.

Just as our vision suffers blind spots, so too does our personality.

Our psychological blind spots can be defined as areas in our life that we are oblivious to. They are usually the negative traits and habits that we are unaware of, but everyone else sees.

We like to think of ourselves within a certain frame of reference, composed of many positive and valuable character traits. Unfortunately we seldom live up the standards that we tell others we subscribe to.

We would like to be someone admired by all, but often our insecurity that others have not noticed our ‘greatness’ demands that we reinforce it to them. We therefore subtly brag of our non-existent noble character.

“As you know I never judge others...”

“I am not one to mince my words...”

“I always speak my mind...”

“I always see the best in others...”

(Ironically these statements are usually followed by the opposite action, one of judging or avoiding confrontation.)

Our inability to deal with our flaws forces us to persist in unhelpful and counter-productive behaviour. Blind spots are not bad, but they need to be regularly checked or danger will likely follow.

Those who can ­do. Those who can’t ­tell others that they do.

Character flaws can guide our growth

The current happiness epidemic, which demands we feel happy at every moment in our lives, has reached a point of crisis. It has become the new-age drug, addicting a generation. We cannot get enough of it, and even when we have the ‘high’ it is temporary and leaves us feeling flat once it has passed.

We are made to feel inferior and insecure if we cannot reach the level of the perceived happiness of our Facebook friends. A moment of sadness is viewed as intolerable and we seek the support of friends and therapists to rescue us from this melancholy.

If negative emotions are so unwanted what service to they fulfil? Are they to be compared to a disease whose only task is to be eradicated?

Negative emotions necessitate that we confront imperfections within the world and within ourselves.  To live optimally in the world and endure its challenges, it's necessary to engage the full range of psychological states that we have inherited as humans. 

Anger is not necessarily a bad thing. It is the natural response to an unfair world. It prompts us to action; to stand up and do something about the distortion of justice. The danger in anger, is that much of the time the ‘injustice’ is only a ‘perception’ of injustice and should therefore be discounted whereas real injustice demands action.

Anger drove the civil rights movement, the end of apartheid and the creation of revolutions.                It can motivate positive action.

Guilt forces us to turn inwards and examine what led us to such a state and what we need to do in order to fix it. It can motivate us to make amends.

Envy demands that we ‘up our game’ and push ourselves to realise our neglected inner potential.

Without fear we would become uncritical risk takers and pathetically endanger ourselves.

 Frustration forces us to look at problems from a new angle and promotes innovation and ingenuity.

Sadness encourages us to see life in perspective; to think rationally and appreciate the small things.

Every negative emotion brings with it a groundswell of opportunities, avoiding ‘bad’ emotions means also successfully avoiding potential opportunities for real happiness.

Enablers

One of the most insightful books that i have read dealing with the complexity of the human mind actually focussed on addictions. ‘Addictive thinking’ was written by the renown Psychiatrist,  Rabbi Dr Abraham J Twersky, and in it he attempts to explain the distorted logic of the addict; rationalising their  behaviour,  defining triggers and situations that lead the addict down the inevitable path of regression.

But the most compelling and confronting point that he makes, and it would appear to be the consensus, is that it takes two to tango.

Addicts need enablers or co-dependants to allow them to continue. The enabler is usually close family to set up the necessary social infrastructure and support that instead of helping the addict, further ensure that the cycle of addiction is perpetuated.

The enabler starts initially by willingly turning a blind eye to the addiction. Then he/she starts justifying to himself and others that the behaviours are normal ‘considering the circumstances’; things are tough at work, he hasn’t been well, family problems etc. The enabler even lands up covering for the addict, making excuses for their anti-social behaviour.

These are the initial steps, but in time the enablers are forced to confront the reality that they are dealing with an addict.

Unfortunately this is not where the story ends. The co-dependants seek help and guidance, they are encouraged to take a firm stand on certain behaviours. Others, family and friends, are rallied to support the co-dependent. Together they demand that the addict make the necessary changes to their life...or else.

Or else what?

I’ll leave you, I’ll call the police, I’ll abandon you. Every threat under the sun.

And it is at this point that the real tragedy hits home. The addict calls their bluff. He succumbs to his addiction- yet they are still there, they don’t abandon him or leave him or call the police. So the addict never changes because he knows that he will never be rejected and he manipulates anyone who will allow him to.

The sad reality is that the co-dependent is as sick as the addict. Both of them are caught in a downward spiral of self-defeating behaviours that are seldom corrected.

Replace the word addict with Domestic violence, anger management, ungrateful children or any other dysfunctional relationship you witness or experience.

YOU are NOT the problem, but you are enabling it- willingly or unconsciously.