"I hate confrontation!"

Invariably people say and do insensitive and hurtful things. It may be malicious and intentional, but more often than not it’s the result of a lack of consciousness and an insensitivity to the feelings and situation of those nearby.

So you are upset. How do you deal with it?

Most people react in one of two ways: they suppress their hurt and move on, or they confront the issue in an aggressive manner.

Being aggressive seldom solves anything; in fact, it is more likely to exacerbate the situation, especially if the hurt was unintentional. To wear one’s heart on one’s sleeve and confront the perpetrator is logical and rational, even if it isn't wise.

The model of suppression is one that I have witnessed more often. “I don’t want to make an issue of it”; “I'm not a confrontational person”; “I should just let it go...”

The problem is that “the words don’t fit the mouth”. (Points for anyone who can guess where that quote is from!) Many people claim to be non-confrontational in an attempt to get people to like them. The ‘people pleaser’ mentality  is deeply rooted in either a fear of rejection and/or fear of failure.  

It’s not that we shouldn't ‘let it go and move on’, it’s just that in most cases we don’t; instead, we suppress. The suppression of negative feelings doesn't make those feelings go away, it just bottles them up. In time they build and start to manifest themselves either in passive-aggressive patterns, unconscious distancing or avoidance.

Negative feelings will not just go away; they need to be dealt with or they will find a way of dealing with you.

While we often approach situations in a very black or white manner, there is another more balanced approach that is seldom explored: addressing issues that have caused you pain in a direct and assertive way, but without aggressive confrontation.

Here are some tips to assist you with helpful confrontation.

• Ensure that you don’t deal with the issue while you are still seething. Calm down first.
• Dedicate a conversation to the issue and don’t allow yourself to make it a side point   ̶   “...and by the way, the other day you said...”
• Speak for yourself, not for others. Don’t assume you know why people did what they did.
• Don’t say “You made me feel...”, “You are so...”
• Do say “When you said ... I felt”, “I feel sad/angry/disappointed because of...”

Arrogance through the back door

Last week I mentioned a concept that often we see arrogance and narcissism where in fact there is exactly the opposite, insecurity and low self-esteem.

Sometimes the process can be exactly the opposite.

Two men were standing in a public art gallery, admiring a collection that had been donated by an anonymous donor. One man turns to the other and gestured for him to come closer. He cupped his hand over his mouth and whispered softly into the other’s ear “I am the anonymous donor.”

False humility is the purest form of arrogance. Real humility cannot ever be detected, because the deeds of the individual are never known.

It isn’t that the average ‘humble’ individual doesn’t want recognition, but rather they want a certain kind of recognition. They want the credit of anonymity to escort the recognition.

If you have ever been disappointed or angered at not having received recognition for a kindness you have done, then you fall into this group.

“I didn’t do it for the recognition, but they should’ve at least sent a card/text/email to show their appreciation.” – does this sound familiar?

But perhaps there is even a more sinister side to false humility; wanting to be the only giver.

There is giving and taking, but there is also giving and receiving.

Taking is absorbing all that which is thrown your way, whether as a reward for something, perhaps what you’ve done (like a compliment) or for who you are (gift).

Receiving, on the other hand, is another form of giving. It is the ability to make the space to allow others to show gratitude. At times we have to allow others the opportunity to expunge themselves of feeling a sense of indebtedness. By denying them that opportunity, because “We don’t want to be recognised”, we doop ourselves into a form of arrogance that has disguised itself as a selfless march towards piety.

Arrogance through the back door.

RABBI, INSPIRE US!

I often get the sense when I stand up on the pulpit, especially during the High Holy Days, that I am an entertainer.

As I get up, people settle into their chairs, lean back and seem to say, “OK Rabbi, inspire me!”

A good drosha is perceived as one that either entertains or inspires, rather than teaches or challenges. It’s similar to a trip to the dentist, where a good visit is described as one that wasn’t too painful.

But is that the job of the Rabbi?

Let’s put aside the entertainment component − which is definitely a great tool in a Rabbinic shed as I think we would all agree that it is not the Rabbi’s role to entertain. But is it reasonable to expect the Rabbi to inspire his congregation?

Yes and no.

Yes, because the Rabbi should be a living role model of Judaism. His enthusiasm for Jewish life and values should be evident not only in his sermons and shiurim, but in his very disposition and character. People should want to emulate his lifestyle or at least improve on their own as a result of interacting with the Rabbi. This part of the Rabbinic role is very difficult, but the success or failure of a Rabbi’s performance depends heavily on his ability to fulfil it.

No, because inspiration is a drug and the effect of a drug does not last forever; it wears off over time, often very quickly. The most rousing and stirring of sermons may move every listener to tears and hope for a better life, but an hour, day or week later the message has turned stale and the ‘performance’ forgotten.

Hillel asks, “If I am not for me then who will be for me?”

The 11^th-century scholar Rabbeinu Yonah comments on this statement: “Because the motivation of others is only good for a short period of time...”

No sermon can change a person. No Shabbat Project can change a community. Only someone who chooses to take the inspiration and internalise it can really make any change.

Give life to years, not years to life

We have learnt to add years to life, but we are becoming increasingly unsuccessful in adding life to years.

Despite the clichés − “living in the moment”; “live each day like it’s your last”; “count your blessings” − we constantly seem to be waiting for life to happen.

It’s not going to and it just did.

Just as we spend time worrying about things that never materialise, we spend more time waiting and wanting things to happen, but are often oblivious to them when they do happen.

King Solomon writes of this phenomenon in his song of songs: A prince bids his bride farewell as he leaves on a lengthy journey, promising to one day return. Every night his bride laments his absence before she goes to bed, hoping one day that he’ll come back. Then, after many years, the prince returns and bangs on his bride’s door, announcing his triumphant homecoming. Alas, she is so busy crying herself to sleep, muttering, “If only my prince would return...”, that she misses his knock. Eventually, the disenchanted prince shuffles away, despondent. At that point it dawns upon the bride that she may have heard a knock at the door. She rushes to open it ... only to find no one there.

So too with life, we wait for our ‘moment’ to arrive. But when opportunity knocks, we are too ‘busy’ to hear it.

A life well lived is one lived in the present, not the future or the past.

Can someone please tell me who I am...

Movements in society often follow a familiar trajectory of establishment-revolution-counter revolution. The logic is that the establishment rules for a period of time until others, often the poor, weak and disenfranchised, rise up to overthrow the immoral regime.

Often the revolution is too extreme, attracting the tyrants that the people sought to rid themselves of. It is often the counter-revolution that moves society back into line and towards what will become the new establishment.

The psychology of the individual can often work in a similar manner. A person behaves in a certain way largely due to social norms and pressures. In time they realise the error of their ways and revolt, becoming social revolutionaries. Having seen the light, they desist from their errant ways. In time, however, they come to realise that they have really missed the whole point of what was happening.

Let me furnish you with a contemporary case study.

We are living in a time where people are not only obsessed with notifying us ‘textfully’ where they are and what they are doing, but have also moved towards photographing and even video-recording our lives in a feeble attempt to turn them into a viral reality show.

Why do we do this?

Largely because this is the current established practice of society. We facebook, twitter, blog, selfie and GoPro because that is how we stay current or, to be more specific, allow others to stay current with us. − Stage 1.

Stage 2 − the revolution. This is when we finally realise what a bunch of narcissists we’ve become, obsessed with sharing our lives and the very notion of “look at me” and “listen to me”. We’re arrogant enough to believe that others care what we eat, watch or even what our commute to the city feels like. To be fair, most people haven’t reached this stage. Once people become enlightened to their latent, or maybe not so latent, narcissism, they tend to refrain from such public displays of private affairs.

Stage 3 − the counter-revolution. This is when we finally realise that it was never narcissism in the first place. Narcissism necessitates a sense of pure arrogance, importance and grandiosity. Most people are the exact opposite; we lack any semblance of self-esteem and confidence. We come to realise that the reason we try so desperately to get the attention of others isn’t because we think we are great, but rather because we feel completely insignificant.

Perhaps if someone notices us, we can find out who we are.

“There is nothing new under the sun.” The desperation for public approval in an attempt to quieten personal disapproval is nothing new. What has changed is that there are more ways, mediums and people that need attracting and whose approval we are seeking.

Apparently, desperate times call for desperate measures. Technology is being fuelled by desperation, not for connection, but for recognition.