"I hate confrontation!"

Invariably people say and do insensitive and hurtful things. It may be malicious and intentional, but more often than not it’s the result of a lack of consciousness and an insensitivity to the feelings and situation of those nearby.

So you are upset. How do you deal with it?

Most people react in one of two ways: they suppress their hurt and move on, or they confront the issue in an aggressive manner.

Being aggressive seldom solves anything; in fact, it is more likely to exacerbate the situation, especially if the hurt was unintentional. To wear one’s heart on one’s sleeve and confront the perpetrator is logical and rational, even if it isn't wise.

The model of suppression is one that I have witnessed more often. “I don’t want to make an issue of it”; “I'm not a confrontational person”; “I should just let it go...”

The problem is that “the words don’t fit the mouth”. (Points for anyone who can guess where that quote is from!) Many people claim to be non-confrontational in an attempt to get people to like them. The ‘people pleaser’ mentality  is deeply rooted in either a fear of rejection and/or fear of failure.  

It’s not that we shouldn't ‘let it go and move on’, it’s just that in most cases we don’t; instead, we suppress. The suppression of negative feelings doesn't make those feelings go away, it just bottles them up. In time they build and start to manifest themselves either in passive-aggressive patterns, unconscious distancing or avoidance.

Negative feelings will not just go away; they need to be dealt with or they will find a way of dealing with you.

While we often approach situations in a very black or white manner, there is another more balanced approach that is seldom explored: addressing issues that have caused you pain in a direct and assertive way, but without aggressive confrontation.

Here are some tips to assist you with helpful confrontation.

• Ensure that you don’t deal with the issue while you are still seething. Calm down first.
• Dedicate a conversation to the issue and don’t allow yourself to make it a side point   ̶   “...and by the way, the other day you said...”
• Speak for yourself, not for others. Don’t assume you know why people did what they did.
• Don’t say “You made me feel...”, “You are so...”
• Do say “When you said ... I felt”, “I feel sad/angry/disappointed because of...”